The first words

For T (SBM)

You slid into my DMs

The first words 

You ever said to me

You 

are

my

dream

Dreams are just that

Unconscious and fucking dumb

I collared you

But couldn’t follow through

Not hard enough

You preferred the avatar

Not the chipped teeth

Uneven skin tone

The laugh lines and freckles

Neither twunk nor otter

But some type not yet identified.

It happens like this

I’m drawn in

To someone else’s dream

All it takes is an ego-stroking DM 

I’m easy

No contest

No frisson, no frottage

I’m spreadeagled

Face down 

In a shuttered room in the CBD

My dignity

A slippery organ glancing off the bluestone

Squelches underfoot

A leather vest

Too small for you

Is all I’ll ever have

To say you mattered once

You got stoned

And sucked

Maybe I came that December night

Our first and last meeting

I’m still drunk and deluded and disoriented 

high on the fumes of your love bomb

You are emptying

Lust draining like blood from your face

Face down I can’t see your eyes

As vacant as your DMs

When I first wrote these lines

I left a conciliatory note

“Before I go

I want to hold you once more”

And a lingering 

Afterthought to prick your conscience 

“PS Don’t love too hard T”

I feel about as much as you

Although I’ve exchanged your pity for bewilderment

What do you care

Last time I checked your Insta

Full of hairy arsecheeks

Redheads in cowboy boots and nothing else

You were hocking your box on a road trip with a genuine porn star

Livin’ the cumdump’s dream

Maybe you’re still there.

If I saw you what would I say?

Nothing. I’d just wrap you

Hold you

If you let me

Because our story goes way back

Long before that DM

Your MySpace avatar

Blond Greek boy

From the outer suburbs

Anna Vissi fanatic

Holding his shirt up

Inviting my attention, thirst trapping me

15-20 years

Before that DM

My will to inseminate

Centred on you

The strong jawline

Soft eyes 

Your bare skin 

the perfect tone

Hardened by your exposure to the spittle of westie hatred and the unfeeling pater

Long before you scrolled onto me

Or should I say the curated version

I dreamed of 

you.